


Healing

by nik6251



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Grisha Yeager, Anorexia, Bulimia, Bulimic Eren Yeager, Car Accidents, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cutting, Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depression, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Flashbacks, Hospitalization, I'll add more tags as I go along maybe, Kenny Ackerman Being an Asshole, M/M, Mental Institutions, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 23:20:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7074916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nik6251/pseuds/nik6251
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On one fateful day in January, Levi was in a horrible, life changing car accident with awful consequences.</p><p>On the two year anniversary of the accident, and the two year anniversary of his friends' deaths, Levi attempts suicide. His friend/fuckbuddy Erwin decides to "save him" by putting him in a psychiatric ward.</p><p>Will the ward and his bubbly roommate, Eren, be able to help him? Or is Levi too far gone for healing?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the anniversary again, and this time levi's ready to end it all,,,,, here we go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo here's another ereri fic! please be aware of the warnings on here, I really don't want to trigger anyone. I personally do not have any mental illnesses, so if I misrepresent anything throughout this fanfic, please let me know.
> 
> (also please don't expect really fast updates i apologize)

It was that dreaded day again.

That horrific day full of guilt and misery and anger.

Last year, Levi spent that day crying and smoking.. This year, he had run out of tears.

He felt shittier than usual and smoked a cigarette in his room, knowing he needed it. He only smoked when things got really bad, but right then, he was desperate. He put the cigarette out on his stomach, hissing from the pain, but accepting it with open arms.

He knew he deserved it.

Levi tried not to think about the accident, but he failed miserably. Erwin tried to cheer him up by playing his favorite movies and cooking for him, but his attempts had no affect.

There was a vacancy in Levi's hollow chest, an emptiness that could never be filled.

On this certain day, that emptiness felt like a black hole, consuming any light around him and making Levi absolutely numb.

He grabbed Erwin and crashed their lips together during one of the movies, needing to feel something, _anything_. Erwin fucked him roughly against the couch, just how Levi liked it, and all thoughts of the accident slipped from his mind for half an hour.

Once they both came and cleaned themselves up, Levi laid against the couch and smoked another cigarette, not giving a shit that he was completely naked. Erwin had seen it all, time and time again. Levi didn't need to hide himself from that man.

"You've been cutting again." Erwin stated, leaving no room for argument.

Levi stayed silent, exhaling the smoke.

"And burning yourself." Erwin added. Levi glared at him, but Erwin didn't drop it.

"Levi, I know it's been hard--" He started, but Levi held up a hand.

"Shut the fuck up, Erwin. If you say that you're here for me one more time I'm kicking your ass." Levi stated tonelessly.

Erwin just sighed and shook his head, pulling on his shirt. "If you need me, I'll be working." He said before heading off to his room.

Levi had lived with Erwin for years. They were just friends, but Levi really owed him... Erwin had saved him from his shitty uncle and given him a job. They fucked sometimes whenever Levi needed it. Erwin was the only person he had anymore.

Levi sighed at that thought and put the cigarette out on his hip, stifling a groan. He pulled his clothes on and headed back to his room, feeling numb as ever. He laid in bed for awhile, staring at the ceiling, and had another goddamn flashback of exactly two years ago.

It was in the middle of January. It was freezing and snow was everywhere.. The roads were in bad condition. Levi and his only friends were at his apartment(which he still lived in), just hanging out after not all being together for awhile.

Isabel and Farlan were there.. They were Levi's childhood friends, who had helped him through rough times, and although he didn't show it much, he loved them to bits. Petra and Oluo were the other two there, and had recently gotten engaged.

Levi was very attached to all of them.. They meant the world to him, and were the only people who could really put up with his bullshit.

They were having a great time, and Levi decided to take them all to Waffle House since they were hungry. Petra was unsure about driving in the snow, but Levi said he'd drive instead, and it'd be fine.

Worst fucking idea of his life.

They all got in Petra's car, with Levi in the driver's seat, Farlan on the passenger side, and Isabel in between them. Petra and Oluo were in the backseat. Levi drove and Isabel told some hilarious story they had all heard before. Everything was fine.

Levi was _happy_.

But then Levi drove forward during a green light, and Petra screeched, "WATCH OUT!" as an 18 wheeler truck slammed into the right side of the car.

The crash was so loud and so fast that Levi could barely process anything that happened. Glass shattered, metal bent and creaked, there were pained screams, blood splattered, airbags went off, and the car rolled over several times. Levi was jostled about violently in the car, until it finally landed on its wheels.

He was dazed and nearly unconscious, and all he could hear was high pitched ringing in his ears. Everything was still and silent besides the ringing, and Levi couldn't focus. It smelled like gasoline and copper.

He felt numbness. Adrenaline. And blood. There was so much blood, oh my _god...!_ Where was it all coming from..?

Levi glanced over to the side, feeling groggy and disoriented, unsure of what had happened. But then he saw the head. Isabel's decapitated, bloody head on the side of the road. Her usually bright eyes were lifeless. His eyes widened and he looked over to see her headless body sitting right next to him, and he vomited.

He couldn't feel anything except for the shock, and when he saw Farlan, he heard screaming.. It took him awhile to realize the screams were coming from him.

Farlan's torso was against the dashboard, and the bottom half of his body was on the floor of the car. His intestines were spilling out and Levi could see inside of Isabel's throat.

He was tearing at his hair and screaming at the top of his lungs, shock tearing through his system.

He looked at the backseat through the car mirror and saw Petra with bloody glass sticking straight out of her throat, and Oluo had blood practically pouring from the side of his head.

All of his friends were dead.

Police arrived later and managed to drag Levi out of the car. He screamed and fought against them, not wanting to leave his friends, but they wouldn't let him go back. Levi ended up with a broken leg, cracked ribs, glass shards stuck in him everywhere, and bruises and scrapes all across his body, but he survived.

Everyone important to him had died on contact...

And it was all his fault.

The flashback only forced him to see certain parts.. All of the horrific parts. He felt like he was there again, staring at Isabel's empty eyes, Farlan's intestines falling out.. He could hear Petra's scream and could smell Oluo's blood. He could feel the car flipping, he could feel the glass in his skin.

Levi was pulled back out of his flashback, sobbing his friends' names, feeling every awful sensation over and over and over again. His body was shaking violently and he was breathing hard, rocking back in forth on the floor, hands gripping his hair. No tears came, but Levi dry sobbed for several minutes, regret, rage, deep sorrow, and horrible guilt clawing through him. "My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault.." He whispered on repeat, loathing himself so fucking much.

_Fuck, I need to cut._

The urge to hurt himself was growing and growing and Levi knew he couldn't hold himself back. He practically sprinted to the bathroom. He closed and locked the door and grabbed a towel and a razor blade. He rolled his sleeve up and pressed the blade against his already scarred arm, dragging it across his skin, letting the crimson liquid drip down and stain the towel.

Levi exhaled shakily at the pain, the sweet, sweet pain that he knew he deserved. He made several more cuts, and then he pressed down a little too hard, and the blood poured out. Levi went too deep, but _fuck,_ it felt good.

_I deserve this. I deserve this._

The faces of his dead friends flashed in his mind.

 _I should join them_ , he thought, for the thousandth time.

But this time, staring down at the bloody towel, Levi was sure of it. He had considered killing himself multiple times, not wanting anything more than to see his friends again.. To escape the hell that was his life. But usually he held himself back, not wanting to let Erwin down.

_Fuck it. He doesn't need me anyways._

Levi breathed deeply. It was time. Life offered nothing for him.. And the hole in his chest was expanding more and more each day. This was his one chance at happiness.

Levi held the blade tight in his trembling hand, and slashed deeply down his arm, letting the blood erupt from the cut like a waterfall. He could barely feel the pain.. He grew weak from the blood loss and collapsed on the ground, letting go of the razor blade. A tiny smile played at Levi's lips and he felt happy for the first time in years. He swirled into unconsciousness, gladly falling into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! if you have any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> levi is alive, and now he's in a psychiatric ward! here comes the fun :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta da here have some more !! again be mindful of the warnings please & thank you!

Levi was floating in the darkness for a while.

It was warm and comfortable and completely silent. His mind was blank except for one thought:

_Is this what death is like?_

Levi was fine with it, if it was. There was no pain. No depression. No flashbacks. No nothing. It was just black.

But after a long time, a light intruded on the peaceful darkness.

Levi tried to get away from it, crying out and fighting back as much as he could, but the brightness yanked him out of the dark and threw him back into reality.

His eyes slowly opened to see a bright white ceiling, and he could smell disinfectant. He.. He was in a fucking hospital.

He immediately closed his eyes and let out a little groan

"Are you awake?" A lady's voice asked.

"Unfortunately." Levi rasped, voice hoarse.

She disappeared for a second to get him some water, and made him sit up to drink it. He tried to grab it with his left arm, but pain coursed through his veins.

"Fuck." He hissed, and looked over to see stitches covering the long, deep cut on his arm. Levi drank the water with his right hand instead. He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

"Where am I." He spoke, and it didn't sound like a question.

"You're at the Trost Psychiatric Ward. You were entered here by your friend, Erwin, after he took you to the hospital. It's been two days since your attempt." The nurse informed him.

A fucking psychiatric ward? Goddammit, Erwin..! Levi wasn't fucking insane.

"How long am I stuck here?" Levi asked.

"Until you get better." The lady said with a little smile that he wanted to rip off.

'Better.'

_Yeah, right._

She asked him a series of questions about his mental state and the medicine he was on. Levi gave snarky answers, feeling like shit and taking it out on her.

Finally, she stopped asking him stuff, and checked his vitals.

After that, the nurse told him she was going to take him to his room and explain the gist of things on the way.

"Okay, first of all, I want you to know that this isn't some kind of prison. We just want you to get better, and that's all." She said, and Levi scoffed. She continued after giving him a scolding look.

"Someone will go around the rooms and knock on the doors thirty minutes before breakfast, which is at 8:00 in the cafeteria. If you don't show up to meals, you get in trouble. You get your medication during breakfast. After breakfast, you'll have group therapy. Then, at 12:00, lunch is served in the cafeteria. Art therapy is at 2:00, which is basically like an art class in school. Dinner is at 6:00, and medication is given out at 8. You have to be in your room with the lights out by 10. You can use any free time you have in the activity room, the TV room, the garden, the library, the exercise room, or in your room. Snacks are available in the cafeteria in between meals. You will have one on one therapy twice a week, usually after lunch. Your therapist is Mr. Williams. We have check-ups once a week. Saturdays are visiting days, but there is a telephone in your room you can use during your free time. We have field trips on occasion, but you can only go if your therapist allows it. Just so you know, this psychiatric ward is a lot nicer than some are. We really do just want you to get better.. You're in good hands, Levi. That friend of yours brought a bag of belongings for you that is in your room. That's about it, I think... Oh, and you have a roommate. He's in the hospital part of the ward that you were in earlier, but he should be back in about two days." The nurse explained, throwing a lot of different information at Levi, who barely paid any attention. "Any questions?" She wondered, and Levi just gave her a deadpan expression.

"Okay. Here's your room." She stated, opening a door for Levi and flicking on the lights.

It just looked like an okay hotel room. Two twin beds, a nightstand with a digital alarm clock and a phone, a bathroom, and a dresser. It was fine.

Levi noticed that one of the beds had someone else's stuff all over it, and one just had a backpack of Levi's.

"Okay, that's about all. It's around 11:00 right now, so lunch will be in an hour." The lady told Levi, and he didn't respond. She left, and he was alone. He sighed heavily and shook his head. He couldn't believe he was in a fucking mental hospital.

Sure, he had PTSD, depression, all that shit, but he didn't think he was crazy enough to end up _there._

He changed into a long sleeved t-shirt and sweatpants, getting rid of the hospital gown he didn't even know he was wearing. He rolled up his sleeve and looked at his stitches. He ran his fingers over them and sighed. That cut could've ended it all. But no, Erwin had to be the fucking hero and 'save him.' Levi rolled his eyes.

He unpacked his backpack and folded up all his clothes, stuffing them all into one drawer of the dresser. He glanced over at the other bed in annoyance, wondering what psycho he'd have to share a room with. He pulled out an MP3 player and earbuds from his backpack, put them in, laid down, and closed his eyes.

He was just trying to rest for a minute, but before he knew it, he heard his friends screaming and an ear-splitting crash, and shot straight up, breathing hard.

Someone was standing next to his bed, trying to get him to wake up.

"Hey, sorry if I startled you, but it's lunchtime." The nurse from earlier said.

Levi sighed and rubbed his face.

"I'm guessing you'll think I'm anorexic or some shit if I don't go?" He said, and the nurse nodded.

He groaned and reluctantly stood up. His earbuds came out sometime while he was asleep and he was too lazy to try to find them. Levi followed the nurse to the cafeteria, where he immediately scowled at the loudness.

It was just like a high school cafeteria, but with a bunch of freaks.

Levi filled a tray with whatever didn't make him want to throw up, and sat at a table alone. He ate mechanically. The food really tasted like high school food..

Levi didn't care. Everything tasted like cardboard to him, anyways.

Nobody in the room even spared him a glance, and he was grateful for it. People were irritating and stupid and Levi hated basically all of them. He much preferred to be on his own.

Once he finished eating, he threw his trash away and set his tray on a pile of other ones. Then, he decided to go on a search for sharp objects. The forks and knives in the cafeteria wouldn't do anything for him. He wandered around the ward, and eventually found the library, garden, game room, and TV room.

He searched every inch of all of them, but he didn't find much. He found a loose screw in a shelf of the library which he pocketed, and two rocks from the garden.

He went back to his room and worked on sharpening one of the rocks with the other, trying to make it sharp enough to hurt himself. He focused on that for an hour, until his hands were red and stiff from work. It was tedious, but he had made some progress.

He pulled his sweatpants down and attempted to use the screw to hurt himself. He scratched aggressively at his thigh with the sharp end of the screw. All he got was red marks. He pushed the screw into his skin and slashed it faster and harder, but it was no use. The most he got was a few droplets of blood.

He yanked his sweatpants off and walked over to the bathroom. He pressed toilet paper against the tiny scratches until the blood stopped, then tossed it in the toilet and flushed it. He pulled his sweatpants back up and sighed. His thigh stung and that was the best he could do. Levi looked in the mirror and cringed away from it. He was so pale and had such heavy bags under his eyes.. He looked awful, and every time he looked in the mirror, all he could see was a murderer.

Soon enough, someone knocked on his door and said art therapy was in ten minutes. Levi rolled his eyes and forced himself out the door, following the person until he found the art room.

Levi actually liked art.. He was passionate about it in high school, and almost went to college for it, but then his friends died and his inspiration died with them. Levi hadn't tried any art since then. He sat down at a table in the corner, as far away from everyone as possible.

Some lady handed out paper, paint, and paintbrushes, and told them to paint something that they loved- something that always made them happy.

Levi rolled his eyes.

He glanced down to his sheet of paper with a blank expression.

Did he even have anything like that? He was never really happy. No person, no food, no hobby, no anything. His excitement and passion for things had faded over the years, and now he was empty. What was there to love? Sex was great, but it only made him feel good for like 30 minutes. Animals were dirty. Erwin was okay. Cutting didn't even make him happy, it just numbed the pain with more pain. Smoking didn't make him happy either. Tea was relaxing but not good enough. Working out felt nice.. It made him feel strong and in control. But it wasn't happiness. It was power.

Levi just stared at the paper, deep in thought for the entire session of 'art therapy.' At one point, the lady walked by and asked Levi why his was empty.

"I can't think of anything." He mumbled in response, annoyed that she asked.

"Nothing makes you happy? Not even one little thing that improves your day by the tiniest bit?" She pushed, and Levi shook his head.

All that could make him happy was death, but he doubted that was an acceptable answer. He left the page blank.

Finally, it was over.

Levi returned to his room and sharpened his rock again for over an hour, until he couldn't do much with his hands anymore. He still had two hours left until dinner, and was bored out of his mind. He went to the library and glanced around, trying to find something good. There were a lot of shitty romance novels, but Levi found two books that looked kind of interesting. There was a little computer used for checking books in and out.. Levi typed his name, scanned the books, and left.

He spent the next two hours reading in blissful silence. Dinner was basically the same exact thing as lunch... Then Levi went back to his book. He was 3/4 of the way done when he got called for medication. Levi stood in line with the other freaks. When he got up there, he had to take pills for his depression and PTSD, then show his mouth to make sure he actually swallowed them. He was warned that a side effect was drowsiness, and he shrugged.

Maybe he wouldn't have as many nightmares.

Levi headed back to his room, finished the book, sharpened the rock a bit more, then the medicine kicked in and he felt exhausted. He brushed his teeth, used the toilet, washed his hands and face, and went to bed. The bed was a little hard, but Levi could deal with it. He closed his eyes and hoped to die in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyyy thank you for reading! please leave comments and criticisms if you like


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> therapy & eren, basically :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly, please be mindful of the warnings on here, I don't want to trigger anyone. 
> 
> Secondly:  
> HOLY HELL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 200 HITS?!!! IM HONESTLY SO HAPPY AND GRATEFUL FOR THIS YOU HAVE NO IDEA!
> 
> Like, I got 130 hits within 12 hours of posting the first two chapters... I.. I'm speechless, honestly. I expected maybe 10 hits in all, and I was excited about that, so you can just imagine how ecstatic I am!
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone for reading, and to anyone leaving kudos/comments!
> 
> (also btw I edited the second chapter so that there's a phone in levi's room and the patients get occasional field trips. this will be useful in the future)

The next day, Levi was woken up by loud sharp knocks at his door.

He groaned and pulled the blankets over his head, feeling like it was fucking five in the morning. He got out of bed about ten minutes later and took a quick shower, brushed his teeth and hair, and pulled on a sweater and a pair of goddamn leggings because they were comfy and he didn't give a shit anymore. The ward was cold, and luckily, Erwin packed well for that.

Levi walked into the cafeteria and wished he was dead. God fucking dammit, why were these people so loud? Didn't crazy people need some damn peace and quiet? Levi went up to the cafeteria and picked up a bowl of oatmeal and several little packets of cinnamon. Maybe the sugar would help him feel more alive or some shit.

Levi sat down alone again and ate his soupy, sugary shit blob by himself. Then, someone sat down across from him.

"Hey, you're new, right?" A kind voice asked, and Levi glanced up to see a freckled brown-haired brat with a tentative smile on his face.

"Do you wanna come sit with my friends and I? You look all lonely.. It really sucks to be by yourself in here." The kid said, probably trying to be some sort of saint.

"Fuck off, I don't need any psycho friends." Levi growled, glaring at him.

The brat looked hurt, and almost tried to object, but then went back to his table. Levi didn't want any goddamn friends. All Levi wanted was to be at the side of his old friends in death. That's all. He didn't need a damn psychiatric ward. It wouldn't fix him. It wouldn't make him 'better.' All that would make him better was a razor down his wrist, a gun to his head, a bottle of pills down his throat.

After breakfast and medication, Levi had to partake in group therapy. He walked into a room full of those little middle school chairs that made your ass numb, and they were all in a circle, facing the lady in the middle who would probably be leading them in this bullshit. Levi plopped himself down in a seat and crossed his arms.

He just wanted to get this over with.

The lady in the middle of the circle had brown hair in a messy ponytail and glasses, and she seemed way too excited. How could anyone be so happy? Especially with a job like _that_? Once most of the seats were filled, the lady began speaking.

"Good morning, everyone! I hope you're feeling a bit better today. We have a newbie with us! What's your name?" She said, way too bubbly and peppy, making Levi want to strangle her. She was looking at Levi with an expectant expression.

"Levi." He said, glaring daggers at her, but she didn't seem fazed at all.

"Share something about yourself!" She told him.

His eyebrows furrowed. What the fuck was he supposed to say?

"I don't like talking to people." He answered with his usual deadpan expression.

"Well, maybe we can work on that! I'm Hanji Zoe, and I really like psychology. Anyways, today we're going to be talking about our goals. Everyone, think of one short term goal and one long term goal that you want to accomplish in your life." She told them all.

_I want to die._

That's all Levi was aiming for. That's all he could think of. That's it.

"Can someone start us off?" Hanji asked. A little blonde girl timidly raised her hand.

"Christa! Look at you volunteering, great job!" Hanji exclaimed.

Christa looked embarrassed, but spoke anyways.

"I.. Um... I want to speak up more," She said quietly. "And.. I want to go on an actual date with Ymir once we recover." She said. There was a tall, tough brunette girl next to her with freckles all over her face, and she grinned at that statement.

"I can't wait." She replied, and Christa's face went bright red. Levi rolled his eyes and glanced away, not paying much attention to anyone's answers. He couldn't help but hear that freckled brat's answer, though.

"I want to stop letting people walk all over me. And.. When I'm out of here, I wanna work on being a veterinarian." He said.

Levi felt like that first comment was directed at him, but he really couldn't care less. There was a guy next to the freckled kid that had two-toned hair.. He said that he wanted to work on recognizing his mood swings when they happened, and that he wanted to make it out of the ward in a month. After about ten minutes, Hanji spoke again.

"Okay, is that everyone..? Ah, Levi, you haven't shared yet! What goals do you have?" She questioned.

Levi closed his eyes.

"I don't have any." He said honestly, and he heard someone scoff.

"Nothing? Don't you have anything you want to improve on in your life? Anything you want to accomplish? Anything you're looking forward to?" Hanji asked.

Levi looked at her and his eyes narrowed.

"What the fuck do you want me to say?" He demanded.

"Language, Levi," Hanji sighed. "I just want you to think it over. Try and come up with those goals by tomorrow, okay? I'm sure there's something." She pressed, and Levi just glanced away.

He kept his eyes glued on the floor and his mouth shut for the rest of the session. Hanji discussed methods on how to love yourself, asking everyone for ideas. Hanji said that the first step was forgiving yourself and letting go of the past, and Levi immediately tuned out, his friends' bloody faces flashing in his mind.

Eventually, therapy was over, and left Levi feeling worse than before. Forgive himself.. There was no way in hell that could happen. Levi deserved pain and death and nothing more.

Once Hanji let them go, Levi went straight back to his room. He changed into a t-shirt, grabbed his MP3 player and earbuds, and headed to the exercise room. He couldn't get their faces out of his mind.

Their laughing, happy faces, and their lifeless faces with blank eyes and stains of blood.

Every time he closed his eyes he saw them. Levi was desperate to distract himself. He usually didn't show his arms because he hated the cuts and burns, but when he worked out, it was too hot for long sleeves. Levi wasn't really self conscious about that..

He was in a fucking mental hospital. Nobody would give a shit about his ugly scars there.

There were a few other people in the exercise room.. That girl Ymir from earlier and a few others. They glanced at Levi and that was the most he got. He was grateful for the lack of attention.

He spent about two hours doing push-ups, sit-ups, squats, yoga, and sprinting on the treadmill.

Honestly, that was the most therapeutic thing he'd done since joining the ward.

He was sweaty, worn out, and full of adrenaline by the end of it. He felt pretty good.. Thoughts of the accident were gone, and things were okay. He went by the cafeteria and grabbed a bottle of water and an apple. He downed the bottle, ate the snack, and took a long shower in his bathroom. He pulled on the sweater from earlier and put the leggings back on. He barely got a chance to brush his hair before someone knocked on his bedroom door and said it was lunchtime. Levi sighed and left the room, heading to the cafeteria. He wasn't in that bad of a mood, but then he saw what was served for lunch.

It was fucking lasagna. Levi froze in place when he saw it, heart pounding.

_Goddammit._

Petra always made lasagna whenever Levi was sick or a bunch of people were over.. She had a delicious recipe for it, and nobody else could make the dish as well as she did. She brought lasagna to Levi's apartment on the day of the accident. He cried when he got back from the hospital and saw that it was still in his fridge.. He ended up eating it for dinner by himself and feeling even worse, knowing that would be the last time he'd taste it.

Petra wasn't there to make it anymore.

Levi's throat was dry and his hands were shaky as he stepped forward and grabbed a tray. He sat down in his usual seat, alone, and stared down at the unappealing lasagna with dead eyes. He pushed it around with his fork and grimaced.. It didn't seem anything like Petra's. Once Levi swallowed a few bites of the food, he threw it away and went back to his room. He felt queasy and everything smelled like blood and gasoline.

_I need to cut. I need it, fuck...!_

Levi was overwhelmed with the sudden need to hurt himself, and searched around his room for any sort of sharp object. He looked nearly everywhere, but then he glanced over at his roommate's bag and drawers. Levi hesitantly stepped towards his roommate's bed, not wanting to be a complete asshole, but he couldn't stop himself.

He searched through his roommate's belongings, hoping for any sort of sharp object. The kid had an MP3 player, earbuds, two well-worn books, hair-ties, and two photographs. The pictures were laminated... There was a photograph of three brats around Levi's age, and one of a lady with kind eyes, sharp cheekbones, and a brown side ponytail, smiling gently at the camera. Levi searched through the drawers, but all he found was normal clothes.

He stormed into the bathroom, searching around in a frenzy, his skin itching for pain. He looked at himself in the mirror and was about to give up completely when he saw it.

There was a tiny crack in the corner of the mirror.

Levi's eyes widened and he rushed over to the mirror. He tried to yank out the glass or hit it until it broke free, but none of his methods worked. The glass didn't seem to budge. Levi went over and grabbed his somewhat-sharpened rock and the other rock from inside a wad of his socks in the dresser. He went back to the mirror and forced the tip of the sharper rock against the crack, and used the other rock as a kind of hammer. The work was tedious and painful, but Levi just grew more determined as the minutes passed by.

After about half an hour, a shard of glass came free from the mirror, landing on the counter. Levi exhaled and smiled a little, relieved that it worked. He put the rock back and grabbed the glass shard, not hesitating to roll his sleeve up, hold his arm over the sink, and slice into his skin. He only made a few cuts, not too deep.. But the numbness flooded him and he relaxed. He held toilet paper over the cuts until they stopped bleeding, and flushed them down the toilet. He made sure to wash the sides of the sink until all evidence of what he had done was gone. He wrapped toilet paper around his arm and tied it together as a sort of gauze, then pulled his sleeve over it. He pushed a washcloth up to the mirror to hide the missing glass. Levi covered the bloody shard in toilet paper, and stuffed it in a little bible he found inside of the nightstand.

Levi collapsed on his bed and breathed deeply, feeling calm and empty again. His arm was burning with pain, just how he deserved. He was full of relief at having found another way to cut.. Red scratches weren't enough for him. He needed the blood. Levi probably would've killed himself, but the doors were unable to lock, and he knew someone would walk in soon and 'save' him again. He laid there, exhausted, his mind blank. After about ten minutes of laying there, his usual nurse lady opened the door. "Hey, Levi, it's time for your one on one therapy." She told him. Levi sighed and rubbed his face.

"Damn, lady, don't you know how to knock? I could've been jacking off." He mumbled.

She chuckled. "Come on."

Levi reluctantly followed her to the therapist's room. Apparently he was gonna be trapped with this guy for an hour.. It would probably just be some old douchebag trying to force Levi to pour out his inner feelings.

Fuck that.

Levi wouldn't ever share any of his thoughts with Erwin or his usual therapist, why the fuck would he talk about them with some stranger? Once the nurse showed him the room, she turned around and left. Levi sighed and knocked on the door, already feeling annoyed. A few seconds later, the door was opened by a tall man in his forties with brown hair, blue eyes, glasses, scruff, and a warm smile that made Levi want to jump off a bridge.

His kindness wasn't real.

That man did this sort of thing every day of his life.. He was faking it all for the money, and Levi wasn't about to be swayed by it.

"Hello, you must be Levi Ackerman! I'm Todd Williams, but you can just call me Todd if you like. It's nice to meet you." The man stated, that smile still on his face. He held out a hand for Levi to shake, who hesitantly took it and shook stiffly. Levi just nodded as a greeting.

"Here, why don't you sit down? Do you like tea, Mr. Ackerman? Or maybe coffee? I can make a pot if you like." Williams said, sounding friendly. Levi cringed.

"It's just Levi. What kind of tea?" He replied shortly, sitting down on one of the chairs on the other side of the man's desk. The chair was cushioned and fairly comfortable.

"There's all sorts, knock yourself out." Williams stated, handing Levi a little basket of tea bags. Levi immediately spotted his favorite, Earl Grey. He picked it up out of the mix and handed it to the therapist.

Levi thought he might not be completely bad.. He had good tea choices, at least. But then Levi saw that he had a box of tissues on the man's desk, like he was just inviting Levi to cry. Levi scoffed a little and glanced away, crossing his arms. Williams made small talk about tea while he poured already boiled water into two cups and put the teabags in.

He set them on his desk to let the tea sink in, and sat down in his large chair across from Levi. Williams picked up a few pieces of paper and flipped through them.

"So, Levi. You're twenty two years old, huh? You seem very mature for your age.. I see that you're on medication for both depression and PTSD? Are those medications helping you at all?" Williams said. Levi shrugged.

"Nothing's different." He replied.

Williams asked him a few questions about his medical background, then he got into the shit Levi didn't want to talk about.

"So your parents, they died when you were a child?" Williams asked. Levi nodded. "My condolences. You were brought up by your uncle, is that correct?" He pushed.

Levi clenched his jaw at the mention of his uncle, and nodded again, stiffer this time.

"How was your childhood, Levi? Did your uncle take good care of you?" Williams asked, and Levi glared at him.

"It was okay. He didn't pay me much attention." Levi answered tonelessly, and Williams wrote something down, making him roll his eyes.

"Did he have some sort of addiction?" Williams questioned.

"Alcoholic. He didn't beat me or any sob story bullshit like that, if that's why you're looking for." Levi said.

Williams wrote more shit down.

"What was a normal day like for you when you were a kid?" Williams asked, and Levi sighed.

"Can I ask you something, Williams?" He shot back.

The man gave him an expectant face, not surprised at all.

"Why are you so obsessed with details of my childhood? You probably know what actually caused these problems, with all those papers of yours." Levi stated.

"Yes, I know what happened two years ago. But that isn't your entire life. According to your medical history, you started taking antidepressants before the accident. That's not the root of everything." Williams responded, and Levi sighed but shut up.

He gave in and described his life to Williams, deciding to get most of it out of the way.

His childhood wasn't the best, but it was no tragedy. He was poor since his uncle spent all his money on alcohol. Levi had to walk to school and back every day, and he ate a shitty school lunch and if there was any food in the cabinet later, Levi grabbed it and that was his dinner. Levi loved art and wanted to be in band, but he couldn't afford any art supplies or instruments. The best he got was art class. He only had two friends, Isabel and Farlan, and he went over to their houses whenever he could. Levi's house was always filthy and smelled like body odor and alcohol.

His uncle Kenny was a pretty neglectful guardian.

He rarely ever talked to Levi unless he was giving the kid commands. He occasionally said abusive things to Levi, calling him worthless and shit like that. Kenny would never sign any permission slip of Levi's, and he learned to forge his name and lie. Levi got decent grades but was never good enough for his uncle. Levi got in several fights in high school, started smoking, and made a few more friends throughout the years.

One day, he got in a nasty fight after school with four other tough guys. Levi held his own pretty well, and knocked two of the guys out, but was nearly overpowered. Erwin was watching the fight, and stepped in before Levi got his ass kicked. He punched the guys until they went unconscious, and that's how he met Levi. After Levi spilled his life story, Erwin offered him a job at his company, where he was the CEO. Levi took the job, graduated high school, and got an apartment. Kenny didn't even notice when he left. Levi lived there for two years, got a promotion in his job, but he wasn't happy. He fucked Erwin and a few other guys several times, but it didn't really feel right. Levi quit smoking since Erwin was concerned about him, but started cutting after a year in the apartment. His life was unsatisfying, but he knew it was never going to get better than that. Levi had no potential or actual chance in the world. He was worthless, remember?

One sleepless night, he locked himself in the bathroom took apart a razor blade, and cut himself for the first time. It hurt horribly in the beginning, but then the pain grew sweet. Levi became kind of addicted to it. Whenever he started feeling shitty, he just went to the bathroom and sliced at his skin. About two months after he started hurting himself, Erwin saw his cuts. Levi tried to lie about them, but there was no deceiving Erwin. Erwin made Levi promise to try and stop, and signed him up for therapy. Levi reluctantly agreed, for Erwin's sake. He went to therapy every two weeks and took his happy pills, and he slowly started to feel better.

He was happy, and gaining hope for a better life.. But then the accident happened.

Erwin moved in with Levi to watch over him, but even he couldn't stop Levi's self destruction. Levi started smoking again, began cutting more, and even used the cigarettes as a way to self harm. Guilt crushed him and he thought destroying himself was all he could do to feel better, to feel less shame about being the one survivor. He didn't deserve it. His friends had brighter futures ahead of them, and big dreams. Petra and Oluo were about to get married, and Levi ended that. He was the only one left alive, and had no light at the end of the tunnel, no happy ending to look forward to. The emptiness in his heart grew and grew and grew until he couldn't take it anymore.

Levi didn't tell Williams all of this. He only told him bits and pieces, being a lot more vague and secretive, not wanting to share all the details. Williams wrote a lot of stuff down. By the time Levi finished explaining his childhood, the tea was ready.

"Do you want any cream or sugar with that?" Williams offered.

Levi shook his head.

"I like it black." He said.

He took a sip of his tea and relaxed instantly. It was delicious.

"Thank you for sharing all of that with me, Levi. I'm not gonna press any more about it today. Instead, I want to ask you something else, and I want you to answer honestly. Do you still want to die?" Williams asked.

"Yes." Levi answered immediately. He didn't really see a point in lying.

"If I were to hand you a gun right now, would you kill yourself? Would you die at this exact moment, if you had the chance?" Williams pressed.

Levi had to think about that for a second. "Probably." He replied.

"Whenever I have these sessions, I always ask everyone this same kind of question. I want you to rate how you feel today on a scale of one to ten. One being that you genuinely want to be dead, and ten being that you feel real hope or happiness- where are you on the scale?" Williams questioned.

Levi thought about it for a few minutes. "Three." He answered.

"Okay. Now, Levi, until our next session I want you to search deep within yourself to find out why you said that. What kept you from a one? Please try and come up with an answer within the next two days. Our time is just about up, but you've got a few minutes to finish your tea. Thank you for talking with me." Williams said, smiling a little at him.

Levi stayed for a minute to down the last bit of tea before leaving. Honestly, the therapy wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. It wasn't pleasant, but it could've been a lot worse. He was just glad they didn't talk about the accident. Levi headed back to his room and started reading the second book he got from the library.

Soon enough, he had to go to art therapy, where he and everyone else was told to draw an animal they thought resembled them. Levi thought that was strange.. The lady explained that the art would show how they imagined their personalities or some shit. Levi ended up drawing an owl. It was the only thing he could think of.. He was imagining a wolf, but then he remembered wolves were always in packs. But owls were alone. They were silent, clever, and nocturnal.. Levi had a lot of sleepless nights, so he figured that was accurate.

He lost himself in the drawing, drowning out the noise around him and focusing on every individual feather. He finished the art right when the lady declared that they could all leave. Levi left feeling a little better than when he came in. He really missed art... It felt nice to draw again.

He went back to his room and read most of his book, and then it was dinner time. Luckily the lasagna was gone from the cafeteria, and chicken nuggets were being served instead. He ate most of his food, put his tray up, and headed back to his room. Levi had about a chapter left in his book when the door opened.

"Seriously, I could've been jacking off." Levi said exasperatedly, not tearing his eyes away from the page.

"Levi, this is your roommate, Eren. Eren, this is Levi, who is going to be living with you from now on. I hope you two get along." The nurse said.

Levi looked up to see the dreaded roommate.. Eren. He said some greeting, but Levi was too distracted to hear it. Eren was tall, with nice olive skin, much different than the sickly pale color of Levi's skin. He had messy chocolate brown hair, thick eyebrows, sharp cheekbones, and was wearing a green jacket and tattered, loose jeans. He was attractive, despite being so skinny, and seemed young. Maybe 18 or so.

Levi didn't pick up on all of this at once, though...

All he could really pay attention to was Eren's eyes.

They were a beautiful mix of ocean blues and greens, with gold specks scattered in them. They were the brightest, most gorgeous eyes Levi had ever seen. And they looked almost exactly like Isabel's. Those eyes had the same kind of life in them.. They had the same twinkle that hers had. Levi was stunned into silence at the sight of the captivating gemstones that were Eren's eyes. His heart literally skipped a beat while staring.

"Uh... Levi? You okay?" Eren asked, eyebrow cocked.

Levi pulled his eyes away from the kid's face and nodded a bit.

He looked back down to his book in silence, trying to calm down from the shock. Eren stood there for a few moments, looking at Levi, but then he sighed and turned away from him. Levi finished his book while Eren took a shower and got settled.

Levi was a bit irritated about having a roommate. He had no idea what problems Eren had, but he really didn't want to know. Levi felt much more comfortable in solitude.. And like this, he wouldn't be able to cut or sharpen his rock very easily. And what if he had night terrors? What if Eren had weird habits?

Levi glanced over and saw Eren had earbuds in, resting his head against the wall with his eyes closed, repeatedly pulling at a hair-tie on his wrist and letting it snap it against his skin. There were several little pink and red lines on his wrist from where the hair-tie landed. Hm.. Weird. Levi just hoped he wasn't annoying.

He joined Eren in listening to music, and after a little while, someone knocked on their door and told them it was time for medication to be handed out. Levi sighed, put his music down, and walked out of the room with Eren following behind. Eren stayed close to him for some reason, and stood behind him in the line. Levi could feel those incredible eyes baring into the back of his head, and he ignored them. He swallowed his pills without a word and went back to his room.

He showered, got ready for bed, turned off the lights, pulled the covers over himself, and put earbuds in. Eren didn't say anything to Levi, who was grateful for the lack of communication. He turned his volume most of the way up, and struggled to fall asleep for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, if you have any thoughts, please leave them in the comments! <3 still amazed at 200 hits oh my goodness thank youuuu~


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interaction between Eren and Levi, yay!!! more therapy, panic attacks, scars, etc
> 
> sorry if anyone's out of character, I'm doing my best here :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy new chapter! please read the tags, I'd rather not trigger anyone :) thank you!

Levi woke up to someone gently shaking his shoulder.

"Hey, Levi, breakfast is in ten minutes." Eren said, and Levi groaned in response.

He slowly got up, pulled on a hoodie and leggings, brushed his hair and teeth, and used the toilet. He was really tired and sluggish.. It took a lot of effort to get himself out of bed. He guessed it was because of his medication. Or maybe it was just his depression. He didn't give a shit anymore.

"Good morning." Eren said with a little smile when Levi left the bathroom. Levi just rolled his eyes. He went to the cafeteria, and Eren trailed after him like a puppy.

"How are you doing?" Eren asked him as they walked, sounding curious. Levi gave him a hard glare. "Hey, you don't have to ignore me.. If we're roommates, we might as well get to know each other." Eren said, sounding hopeful. His eyes were even brighter than the night before. The kid was much too cheery for Levi's taste. Levi sighed as he stepped in line to get breakfast.

"Stop bothering me, shitty brat. Go sit with your psycho friends." He told the brunette, annoyed.

Eren looked a little hurt, and Levi didn't give a shit. He grabbed cereal and milk and sat down alone as usual.. But that brat was persistent. He sat down across from Levi with determination on his face.

"Come on, at least just _try_ to talk to me! I won't bite or something." Eren pushed.

Levi's eyes narrowed.

"You may not bite, but I will. Get the fuck away from me and stop being a little shit." He hissed threateningly. Eren's eyebrows furrowed and he looked pissed, but he gave up and walked off to another table. Levi was already irritable and the day had barely even started. He sighed and ate his cereal, wishing he didn't have a roommate. Levi finished his breakfast, took his pills, and headed to group therapy. He plopped down in one of those uncomfortable chairs again, crossed his arms, closed his eyes, and waited for Hanji to start up the bullshit.

"Good morning, everyone! I hope you're all feeling good today. Welcome back, Eren, we missed you!" She exclaimed. "Oh, and Levi, did you come up with those goals from yesterday?" She asked, and Levi sighed.

"No. I forgot." He answered shortly. "You really can't think of anything?" She pushed, sounding disappointed.

Levi opened his eyes and sent her a death glare.

"What the fuck do you want from me? You want me to say my goals are to love myself, have a magical life, and shit rainbows? Sorry to disappoint." He shot back in a burst of anger.

"Language, Levi. Everyone needs goals to get through life. We all need things to look forward to and aim for, otherwise we're not living at all." Hanji replied calmly.

Levi rolled his eyes and felt even more irritated. Maybe he didn't want to live at all.

"Okay, everyone, today we're going to be talking about our relationships with our parents. All of us have issues with our parents, some more than others. Let's talk about what we can improve on.. How we can make the relationships better." Hanji told them all, and Levi sighed.

He was about to close his eyes and tune out, but then he noticed who was sitting next to him. It was his bratty roommate from earlier, Eren. Even after being pushed away by Levi, he still sat next to him? Damn.. The kid was a stubborn piece of shit, but at least he had guts. Levi saw him tense up at the mention of parents. Eren looked very uncomfortable. Levi glanced away and stared at the wall. Everyone shared ideas of how to repair their relationships with their parents, and Levi ignored it.

"How about you, Levi? What can you do to improve your relationship with your parents?" Hanji questioned after several minutes.

Levi snorted. "Nothing. They're dead." He responded.

"I'm sorry, Levi. Do you have any other family?" Hanji asked.

"Yes, but I haven't talked to him in years, and I won't ever again." Levi said.

"I guess we'll have to skip you this time, then. And you, Eren? How can you improve your home life?" Hanji moved on to the kid.

Levi glanced over to him and saw him squeeze his eyes shut.

"Can you skip me, too?" He asked quietly. "My mom's dead and I... I really don't want to talk about my dad." Eren said, sounding strained.

"Okay, Eren. If you need me to skip you, I can. I'm sorry for your loss." Hanji allowed, and moved on to someone else.

Eren visibly relaxed, exhaling in relief. Levi halfheartedly wondered about the brat's dad. Eren looked over and made eye contact with Levi, who immediately broke it and closed his eyes. He tuned out the rest of the session.. It was all shit about healthy family relationships that Levi really didn't need to hear. Levi was one of the first ones out the door once it was over. He headed straight for his room, and Eren trailed after him.

"Hey, Levi.. I'm sorry for bothering you earlier." The brat apologized softly.

"You still are." Levi grumbled, opening the door to their room and walking in. Eren followed.

"It just sucks to be in here alone, and if you want to get better, being around other people helps a lot." He stated as if Levi hadn't said anything. "I'm going to the activity room to play cards or something.. You can join if you want company." Eren offered.

Levi sighed and turned around, meeting his gaze.

"Leave me alone, shitty brat." He growled.

"Alright, alright, fine." Eren replied, huffing. "See you, Levi."

And then he was gone.

Levi let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, and shook his head. That kid was a handful.

Levi ended up returning his books to the library and getting two more. He started reading one of them in the silence and isolation of his room, glad that Eren was somewhere else. The book was pretty good for a while, but then there was a bloody death scene halfway through that reminded Levi of Farlan, and he couldn't focus on the book anymore. He put it down on the bed with shaky, sweaty hands and closed his eyes, trying to force himself to calm down. Levi could barely do anything without thinking of the goddamn accident.. He could smell the gasoline and he could feel the familiar panic rising in his chest. He closed his eyes and tried his hardest to calm down, but it wouldn't work. Farlan's bloody corpse flashed in his mind.. Levi could hear and see everything in the crash like it was happening all over again. He covered his face with his hands and pulled his knees up to his chest, body trembling. He kept hearing Petra's screams, over and over and over.. Levi couldn't breathe. He was hyperventilating and his heart was racing like crazy. He clutched his face desperately and tried not to vomit.

_It's my fault it's my fault it's my fault I should be dead not them it's all my fault it's all my fault_

His panicked thoughts were just making everything worse. His chest felt tight and he still couldn't get enough oxygen in..

He felt like he was going to die.

Levi was so sweaty and shaky and he hated every second of it. He struggled through the awful panic attack for about half an hour, unable to breathe or stop thinking horrible thoughts about the accident. When Levi could finally breathe normally, he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, taking several deep breaths. The nausea eventually subsided, and he immediately grabbed his glass shard and went to the bathroom.

He was still shaking a little bit and felt like he was going insane.

_It's my fault it's my fault it's all my fault they're dead I deserve the pain I deserve it I deserve it I deserve it I need it it's my fault_

Levi's mind was repeatedly chanting something along those lines and he couldn't take it anymore. He closed the bathroom door, ran over to the sink, and sliced into his arm. He made more cuts than usual.. He didn't make them too deep, not wanting to attempt suicide with the chance of his roommate walking in. He just hurt himself until he felt lightheaded from the blood loss, and strangely calm from the pain. He felt completely numb while he was cleaning himself up. His mind was blank and he wrapped up his arm with toilet paper mechanically, feeling distant. Levi laid back down in bed and listened to music, staring up at the ceiling with empty eyes, wishing he were dead.

An hour or two later, someone knocked on the door and said it was time for lunch. Levi sighed and put his MP3 player down and pushed himself onto his feet. He walked to the cafeteria, grabbed a grilled cheese and tomato soup, and plopped down in his usual spot.

The food tasted like nothing to him.

He had been eating for a few moments when he noticed Eren sitting a few tables away from him. He was sitting with that freckled brat, the kid with the two-toned hair, and a few other people. They were in the middle of what seemed to be an intense discussion, and Eren's eyes were bright and determined. Levi couldn't help himself from staring at the brat's ocean eyes.. Fuck, they were beautiful. Eren glanced over and made eye contact with Levi and his expression softened, his eyes lighting up even more, somehow. He grinned and gave Levi a little wave, and the other brats at Eren's table turned to look at him. Levi scowled and looked back down to his food, feeling heat rise up to his cheeks.

_Shitty brat._

Once lunch was over, Levi went straight back to his room and started sharpening his rock again. He already had the glass to hurt himself with, but it was always good to have a backup. Plus, he was tired of his music, and he didn't feel like taking his chances with the other book and having a panic attack again. He had to keep himself busy somehow. Levi had been sharpening for about ten minutes when Eren burst into the room. He didn't even spare a glance at Levi.. He just ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Levi stared at the door with an eyebrow raised. Someone really had to take a shit, huh? Levi heard awful retching noises, and his eyebrows furrowed.

The brat was vomiting into the toilet.. Gross.

Levi went back to sharpening his rock, cringing at the sounds Eren was making.

Finally, the kid flushed the toilet and returned to the room after a few seconds.

"S-sorry." He mumbled under his breath, seeming embarrassed, his eyes watering.

"You sick or something, brat?" Levi asked, and reluctantly tore his eyes away from the rocks when Eren didn't respond.

"Are you actually showing concern for me?" He asked in response, amazed.

Levi rolled his eyes.

"I just don't want to get infected and blow chunks like that." He replied, and Eren chuckled.

"Don't worry. I'm not contagious." He said reassuringly, and sat down on his bed. "What are you doing with those rocks?" Eren wondered, changing the topic.

Levi huffed. "None of your business, shitty brat."

He kept on trying to sharpen it in silence, and when he glanced at Eren, he saw a mix of confusion, fear, and doubt on the kid's face.

"I'm not planning on killing you in your sleep, if that's what you're worried about. But if you keep bothering me I just might change my mind." Levi stated. Eren laughed a little, and Levi felt a pang in his chest at the sound. The kid had a nice laugh.

"What are you reading over there?" Eren questioned, as if Levi hadn't just suggested murdering him.

"I don't know, random shit I picked up at the library. Stop bothering me, brat." Levi said, losing his patience.

"Can I see one of them?" Eren asked, pushing his luck. Levi paused in his sharpening to glare at him.

"Jesus fucking Christ, can't you pick out your own goddamn books? There's an entire library, brat." He growled.

Eren just gave him an imploring expression, and Levi sighed.

"If it makes you shut the fuck up, then fine, whatever, take it." He grumbled, picking the book up and throwing it at Eren, hitting him straight in the face, very much on purpose.

Eren yelped and flinched when the book was thrown at him, then rubbed his nose where it hit.

"Owww.. You don't have to be so violent." He complained.

"If you don't stop talking I'll hit you with the other one." Levi threatened, and Eren finally shut up.

They spent the next hour in blissful silence. Eren read his book, snapping his hair-tie against his wrist, and Levi kept on sharpening his rock until his hands were red and stiff. Eren was actually tolerable when he stopped talking.. Having company in the room really wasn't that bad. Levi felt a bit better than before.

Soon enough, someone knocked on their door and said it was almost time for art therapy.

Levi sighed and put his rocks back in their usual drawer, and Eren put the book down. Levi saw that he was over halfway finished with it.. Jeez, he read fast. Levi walked out the door first, with Eren trailing behind him, as usual.

They went to the art room and Eren sat with his friends two tables away from Levi, who sat by himself. They were given paper, markers, pencils, pens, paint, and paintbrushes, and were told to create their worst fear, however they wanted to. Levi's throat tightened and he closed his eyes.

Why the fuck would the lady make them do that? Wouldn't that be triggering or some shit? Levi exhaled heavily and wondered what he should do. His worst fear had already happened.

His closest friends dying.

What else was there to be afraid of? Well.. Levi still had one person left to fear for.

He wasn't afraid of anything happening to himself, because he deserved it, anyways.

But Erwin dying..

He was basically Levi's last hope. His death would crush Levi.

Levi sighed and began drawing, focusing more on creating it than _what_ he was creating. He spent awhile sketching Erwin, and he began coloring him in.

He didn't even notice everyone was gone until there was a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up to see an empty room. Eren was standing next to him with an eyebrow raised.

"Uh, Levi? Art therapy's over." He stated, and glanced down to Levi's drawing.

It was Erwin's dead body leaning against a steering wheel, staring ahead with lifeless eyes, with a bloody glass shard in his chest. It was a haunting portrait, really, but Levi was so focused on finishing it that it didn't disturb him too much.

"Hold on." Levi muttered. He looked back down to his artwork, spent a few minutes fixing the shading, and he was finally done.

When he glanced back up, Eren was still there, still looking at his art.

"You draw really well." He said quietly, seemingly mesmerized by Levi's drawing.

"Don't shit your pants, kid." Levi said, and walked out of the room, leaving Eren still standing there. Eren caught up with him soon enough.

"Who was that? The guy you drew?" Eren questioned.

Levi rolled his eyes for the billionth time. "None of your fucking business." He said coldly. "Can you stop being a nosy piece of shit?"

Eren exhaled heavily and stopped prying. His eyes were downcast and he seemed disappointed.

Levi felt a tiny bit guilty, but not enough to do anything about it. Eren was being annoying as hell. No matter how much of an asshole Levi was being to him, Eren wouldn't leave him alone, and it was ticking him off. The brat deserved his treatment. He was being a pest. Levi just wanted to be by himself and die like he should've years ago. He didn't need this curious bright-eyed kid sticking his nose in places where it didn't belong. He suddenly noticed that Eren was speaking, but it was so quiet he didn't pick up on his words.

"Stop mumbling, brat." Levi told him, voice gruff.

"I'm just trying to get to know you, Levi. You don't have to be such a jackass.. You could at least give me a chance." Eren stated, sounding dejected.

Levi stopped walking and locked eyes with Eren, who stopped as well.

"Listen, kid. You're trying to be nice or whatever. I get it, okay? But you're wasting your time. I'm never going to be nice to you. I'm never going to be friends with you. I prefer to be alone and I don't need a shitty brat like you bothering me all the time, so just leave me the fuck alone. I never give anyone a chance, and you're not special. Stop trying." Levi said, his voice dripping with venom, every word cold and honest.

Eren's expression warped and Levi had no idea what was running through the brat's mind. He opened his mouth to object, but Levi turned around and walked to his room, not giving Eren a chance, just like he said he wouldn't.

Luckily, Eren went off and did something else, leaving Levi alone in the room. He blasted music in his earbuds and sharpened his rock for hours. His mind went blank and everything seemed to fade away. Levi finally managed to sharpen the rock to the best of his ability. He glanced down and noticed that his hands had a few scrapes and bruises on them from sharpening for so long.

He went into the bathroom and washed off the sharp rock until he was satisfied, and decided to try it out. Levi pressed the edge of the rock into his wrist and sliced, fast and hard. It worked.. It made a shallow cut and blood seeped out. It wasn't as easy as cutting with the glass, and wasn't as efficient.. But it was a good backup. He made a few more cuts just for good measure, then cleaned himself up, washed off the bloody rock, and put it back in his drawer.

Levi exhaled and laid down in his bed. He kept his sleeves rolled up and held his arms above him, looking at all his scars. There were so many overlapping cuts. Faded white ones, healing pink ones, and recent red ones. His left forearm had the one long, deep cut that went all the way down. Several stitches were on that cut.. The cut that was supposed to end it all. He had a few other older deep ones that he probably should've gotten stitches for, but didn't care enough to.

Some of his cuts were jagged, crooked, and wild, created in a violent, desperate haze when he was coming out of a flashback or a panic attack or something along those lines. Others were neat, straight, and calculated, created whenever he felt so empty that he needed the pain to ground him. He had many old and new burn scars, too, from cigarettes and lighters. The more recent ones were still red, blistering, and healing, while the older ones were a more faded white color.

There were a lot of other scars littering Levi's body.. But the scars on his arms were the ones people saw, whenever he had the courage to wear short sleeves.

Levi despised every single scar.

They were ugly and disgusting and made him want to vomit, but he knew they were necessary. They helped Levi escape his memories and emptiness, to distract his emotional pain with physical pain. Levi was ashamed of all of his scars. They just showed how much of a monster he was.. They exposed the horrors inside Levi and revealed how awful the man really was.

Levi was lost in thought for nearly an hour. There was a knock on the door for dinner and he sighed. He felt really dead, but unfortunately, he was not. He could feel the emptiness in his chest consuming him and he hated it so much. He walked to the cafeteria like a zombie, his eyes blank. He stared off into space while he ate. Levi had absolutely no idea what he was eating and he couldn't bring himself to care. He finished his food, put up his tray, and headed back to his room. He laid down in his bed and covered himself completely with the covers. Levi closed his eyes and drifted off into sleep, not wanting to deal with being awake anymore.

Two hours later, Levi felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake. He reluctantly glanced up to see a fuzzy and unfocused Eren.

"Um.. We have to go get our medication now, Levi." He said awkwardly, averting his eyes, seeming nervous, his cheeks tinted pink.

 _Cute_ , Levi's sleepy mind thought.

He forced that thought away and sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning a little. He stood up and trudged over to the line for medication, not sparing Eren another glance. Levi swallowed his pills and went back to his room. Although all he really wanted to do was curl up and go back to sleep, Levi forced himself to take a shower, brush his teeth, and change into pajamas. His depression sometimes overwhelmed him so much that he stayed in bed for days at a time, unable to find the motivation to move at all..

But Levi was a bit of a clean freak, and he felt absolutely disgusting when he didn't have great personal hygiene. He despised the feeling of oily hair or the taste in his mouth in the morning after not brushing his teeth...

It was nasty as hell, and he couldn't take it.

Once Levi was ready for bed, he collapsed under the covers and fell asleep almost instantly, ignoring the brat in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading!!!! i appreciate it more than you know. I'd love to hear any comments and/or criticisms that you have!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nightmares, car accident, therapy, checkups, more eren and levi interaction, etc!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy here's another chapter! sorry it took me so long, I've been really distracted and haven't had a lot of motivation to write. Thank you for being patient! This chapter's longer I think, and I really hope you like it! Please make sure you read the tags, I'd hate to trigger anyone. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> (oh, and sorry if the car accident scene is inaccurate. i tried to do research but im really not sure how car accident injuries work. i did my best lmao)

Levi was in a car.

No... No, it was a truck. A huge one.

He was driving down an icy road, when he saw a red light. He tried to hit the brakes, but he couldn't move. He crashed straight into a car full of people. Somehow, the truck didn't even have a scratch on it.. But Levi saw the other car roll over a few times.

It was.. Petra's car. Levi saw every second of the crash in horrible exact detail, and he could see himself in the driver's seat. He watched it all in slow motion. He got to see the exact moment the glass stabbed straight into Petra's neck. Her eyes widened and blood spurted out.. Her face warped in pain and shock, but within a minute, she was dead.

Oluo's head slammed against the car too many times, and he was knocked unconscious. He died after a few minutes.

The glass of the windshield is what decapitated Isabel.. Her head was cut off while the car was turning over, and her head landed on the side of the road. She had barely registered what was happening before she died. Blood was pouring from her headless neck.

The combination of the glass and being jostled about so much killed Farlan, and the top half of his body landed on the dashboard. He was alive for a few moments, and his face contorted in agony.

And Levi, in the driver's seat.. Instead of being awake and staring at everything in horror, his head slammed against the steering wheel too many times, and the damage killed him. He was slumped against the wheel and his eyes were completely lifeless.

The Levi in the truck was paralyzed by terror, watching the entire crash helplessly. Once the car landed and everyone was dead, Levi managed to force himself out of the truck. He pushed the door open and ran over to the car. He was sobbing and covering his mouth, and he fell to his knees in front of the wreckage, unable to deal with the scene in front of him.

Then, Petra moved.

She slowly turned to face Levi, staring straight through him with her dead eyes.

"It's your fault." She said, her voice cold and terrifying.

It sent chills down Levi's spine.

Then, Oluo turned towards him.

"We would be alive if it weren't for you." He told Levi.

Farlan lifted his head and met eyes with Levi.

"You killed us, Levi. You're a murderer." Farlan stated, making Levi's blood run cold in his veins.

"Why would you do this to us, big bro?" Isabel's bloody head asked, sounding distressed.

Suddenly, all of the corpses began talking in unison, their dead eyes trained on him.

"You see that?" They asked, reaching up their pale hands and pointing at the other Levi's dead body in the driver's seat. "That should've been you, Levi."

They all ever so slowly started to move to get out of the car, and began saying different things all at once.

"Why would you kill us?"  
"Don't you care about us?"  
"You're a monster."  
"It's your fault we're dead."  
"You should've died in our place."  
"You deserve worse than death."  
"We hate you."  
"It's your fault."  
"Why haven't you killed yourself already?"  
"You're disgusting."  
"Kill yourself."  
"It's your fault."  
"Murderer."

Levi couldn't move his body. And they were just getting closer and closer.

"You killed us."  
"We'll never forgive you."  
"Rot in hell, you bastard."  
"You shouldn't have lived."  
"Just die already."  
"You coward."  
"Murderer."  
"Monster."  
"Killer."  
"Join us, Levi."

The corpses of his friends surrounded him, and reached out to him with their stiff, cold hands. They all had their hands on Levi, and began clawing at him. They tore through his clothes and began ripping off all of his skin, drowning him in the unbearable pain.

"You deserve it."  
"It's your fault."  
"We hate you."  
"Die already."  
"Scum of the earth."  
"You deserve worse."

Levi was screaming at the top of his lungs from the burning, consuming, never-ending pain. His skin was all torn away, and they were now shredding up his muscles and bones. They all began speaking in unison again, and hundreds of thousands of maggots crawled and squirmed out of every orifice they had.

"It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fault. It's your fa--"

 

 

 

Levi sat up screaming, shaking violently, covered in sweat. Someone was sitting in front of him with their hand on his shoulder, but he didn't pay them much attention. He held his face in his hands and slumped his shoulders, struggling to breathe correctly.

Panic was overwhelming him and he felt haunted by that awful nightmare.

The person in front of him was rubbing his shoulder with their thumb over and over. The steady rhythm of it helped Levi regulate his wild breathing.. It helped to ground him. It took him a very long time to calm down, dry sobbing and trembling uncontrollably, feeling like he was having a heart attack.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm s-so fucking sorry... I'm sorry...  
I'm so sorry..." Levi repeated over and over in between his desperate breaths, voice weak. When he could finally hear past his thumping heart and panting gasps, he heard the person speaking.

"Breathe, Levi.. Just focus on breathing, don't think about anything else. Just take deep breaths." The person said, their words soft and calming.

A few minutes later, Levi could breathe well again. He shakily lifted up his head and saw Eren sitting in front of him. He couldn't see the brat very well in the dark, but he looked concerned.

Levi felt a sharp stab of pain in his head.. Goddammit, he hated headaches.

"Fuck." Levi cursed, clutching his throbbing head, rubbing his temples. He closed his eyes again. "Fucking shit. Fuck all of this, what the fuck.." Levi mumbled, pissed. He took a few more deep breaths and sighed, making eye contact with Eren again, who was still rubbing his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about that, kid." Levi said, his voice rough and strained. "Fucking nightmares."

Eren smiled slightly, and that beautiful, friendly smile made Levi feel a bit better. He suddenly realized how close their faces were.. Eren was leaning in, and Levi was slouching his shoulders, so they were inches apart. Eren had a dark, woodsy scent to him.. It was relaxing, somehow.

"I understand. It's okay, Levi. Don't worry about it. Are you alright now?" Eren questioned, his voice gentle.

Goddammit, this kid was too kind and selfless for his own good. His eyes were still so bright and gorgeous, even in the dark. They were twinkling like he was a beacon, guiding Levi to the light.

_What the fuck kind of cheesy thought was that?_

"Yeah, I'm fine. You.. You can stop that now, brat." Levi stated, gesturing to Eren's hand that was still rubbing his shoulder.

"Oh!" Eren exclaimed, retracting his arm so quickly, it was like Levi had stung him.

"S-sorry." Eren murmured, and Levi could see him blushing.

Levi chuckled a little. "It's fine." He said, then hesitated. "And, uh... Thank you, brat. For helping me calm down."

Eren smiled brightly, his eyes lighting up a little. "No problem, Levi." He said.

"Now get the hell off my bed." Levi demanded, ruining the mood, causing Eren to laugh lightly.

"Sure thing, boss." Eren said jokingly, before complying and going back to his own bed.

Levi exhaled heavily and glanced over to the alarm clock.. It was a little over 3 AM. He guessed his screaming woke Eren up..

_Jeez, that kid._

He was still being so nice to Levi. Eren could've easily ignored him and left him to deal with the nightmare and panic attack on his own, but no. Despite Levi's horrible, rude rejection from the other day, Eren stayed by his side and helped him get through it all. That brat was so kindhearted and determined.. It was amazing, honestly. Levi didn't understand him. What kind of angel was he? How could anyone possibly be that nice?

Usually, after a nightmare like that, Levi would have an unbearable urge to hurt himself.

This time, he had none at all.

 

 

  
Levi woke up hours later to Eren lightly shaking him awake.

"Wake up, Levi.. We're having check-ups in thirty minutes." He told him, his voice soft.

A groan escaped Levi and it took him several minutes to get up. He took a fast shower and pulled on a white t-shirt, a green jacket that was too big for him, and black leggings. He brushed his teeth and hair and came back into the room, switching places with Eren.

He only took a few minutes to get ready, and came back in the room with a baggy black t-shirt and sweatpants on.. He looked sleepy and adorable.

_Dammit, why do I keep thinking these things?_

Levi was standing by the door, unsure of where to go for the check-up.

"Um, since you're new, I guess you haven't had a check-up yet? You can sit down, we don't have to go anywhere yet. The nurse comes to us when she's ready." Eren blurted, seeming extremely nervous.

Levi just nodded in response. They sat on their beds and waited, and Eren looked more and more anxious as time went on, for some reason. He had his usual hair-tie on his wrist, and kept snapping it against his skin, over and over.

A few minutes passed, then the door opened. The nurse Levi had seen several times peeked her head in.

"Hey, Eren, Levi, it's time for your check-up. Follow me, please." She told them.

They walked with her to a nurse's office that Levi had never seen before. She opened the door for them, then left. Eren and Levi walked into the office and were greeted by some nurse Levi didn't know.

"Hey there, you're Eren and Levi, right?" She questioned, and they nodded.

"Excellent. Now, to start the check-up.. Eren, could you please step onto the scale for me?" The nurse asked, and Levi glanced over to see Eren's face fill with anxiety and fear. He clenched his jaw and stayed silent and still for a few long moments. He finally sighed and nodded stiffly, then did as she asked.

Eren stepped onto the weight scale and Levi looked at his expression with a cocked eyebrow. Eren had his eyes shut tight and he was paler than usual. He eventually opened his eyes to look over at the nurse's clipboard, where she was writing something down, but she wouldn't let him see it.

"Can you please--" Eren began asking something, his voice a bit desperate, but the nurse shook her head and he stopped.

"We're not supposed to show you your weight, Eren, I've told you this." The nurse said sternly.

Eren sighed shakily and shut up.

"Okay, you can get off. Breathe, Eren, it's alright." She said reassuringly.

Eren stepped off of the scale as fast as he could and retreated back to the wall, attempting to calm himself down. He met eyes with Levi, who immediately looked away.

_The hell was that about?_

"Okay, Levi, your turn." The nurse said.

Levi stepped up onto the scale and rolled his eyes. He crossed his arms and stared at the wall, and soon enough, he got to step off.

"Okay, Eren, we'll do yours first. Go ahead and sit down." The nurse said.

Eren went and sat down on one of those exam tables with the crinkly paper on them. Levi sat down on a stool on the other side of the room while he waited, since there was only one of those tables in the room. He didn't pay much attention during the check-up, and soon enough, it was his turn.

Levi sat down where Eren was just sitting, and Eren sat down on one of the stools closer to him. The nurse checked his blood pressure, temperature, and heart rate, which were all normal. She asked him questions about his medication and asked if anything was wrong with his body in particular. Then, she asked something that made Levi stare at her blankly, hoping to god he just imagined it.

"Can you roll up your sleeves for me, Levi?"

Levi tensed up.

"Why?" He asked too quickly, and cursed himself for being so obvious.

"I have to do this for everyone to make sure they're not self harming, Levi. Did you not see me ask that of Eren?" She replied.

Levi glowered at her.

"No. Wasn't paying attention." He admitted.

She sighed and gave him an annoyed look.

"Levi, I need you to roll up your sleeves." She told him firmly.

Levi's eyes flicked over to see Eren regarding him curiously, worry written on his face.

"Fucking fine. Whatever." Levi grumbled, heart pounding.

He yanked his sleeves up and held out his scarred arms for her to see, giving her a 'you asked for it' kind of expression. Levi couldn't help his eyes from wandering over to Eren.

The brat's eyes were wide and he was staring at Levi's arms in complete shock. A flicker of sorrow rippled through his ocean eyes.

The nurse observed his scars, and looked up at him.

"When did you do this, Levi?" She asked him, pointing to the cuts he created the day before.

"A week ago." He lied, not wanting to get his glass shard taken away.

The nurse gave him a sad and scolding look.

"That's a lie. These are too recent. Tell the truth, Levi, when did you do this?" She pushed.

Levi sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Jesus fucking Christ, fine, lady. They're from yesterday. Happy now?" He responded, irritated. He pulled his sleeves back over his scars and crossed his arms over his chest.

"That's the end of the check-up. A nurse will come by your room in a few minutes to collect your weapon.. I suggest you give it up, or you'll go on suicide watch while they search every inch of your room." The nurse told him.

Levi didn't reply. He just got up and walked out.

He felt rage boiling in his veins. They were going to take his glass. That was keeping him sane throughout his stay at the ward.. Levi wasn't sure how he'd function without it.

He was really pissed about the nurse making him show his scars, especially with the brat in the room.. Levi was never going to hear the end of this. So much pity and 'I'm so sorry,' 'I wish I had known,' and 'Will you promise to stop?' was about to ensue.

As if on cue, Eren rushed up to his side, shooting him a worried look.

_God, here we go._

"I-I know you don't want me to talk to you, and that's fine, but, um... I just wanna say I'm really sorry she made you do that in front of me. That was awful of her to do to you." Eren told him. "And... I know you probably don't care what I think anyways, but on the off chance that you do.. I want to let you know that I don't think of you any differently at all."

Levi was glad that he had such a great poker face, because if his face was showing his emotions, he'd be gaping like an idiot. That was not at all what Levi expected him to say.. There wasn't any pity in Eren's words. Just empathy, kindness, and reassurance.

_Christ, that kid is something else._

Levi nodded once and kept walking. His head was killing him, and it was not helping the situation at all.

They got to their room and sat down on their beds, and Levi started thinking. How was he going to get himself out of this situation..? If he gave up his glass shard, he would giving up the one thing that always helped calm him down. He'd be giving up the pain he deserved.. He'd be giving up an addiction, really.

But, god, Levi didn't know how he'd live without it.

 _Well, more like I don't know how I'd die without it,_ his mind corrected.

Suddenly, he remembered his backup. The sharp rock he had worked on for hours and hours, making sure it was good enough to make him bleed... He was going to have to give it up.

Levi knew that if he refused to give the nurse something, she'd search his room and find both the glass _and_ the rock..

He wouldn't let that happen.

A few minutes later, the door opened, revealing the nurse Levi was used to. She closed the door behind them and sighed sadly.

"I heard you're still hurting yourself, Levi. I need you to give me your weapon." She told him.

"Whatever." He mumbled, standing up. He went over to the dresser and pulled out the two rocks. The sharp one was still stained with blood. Levi handed them to her with great reluctance, then sat down and averted her eyes.

"Thank you, Levi. Please don't try this again. This is your warning, but if we catch you hurting yourself another time, you're on suicide watch. That either means you get someone watching you 24/7, or you're restrained to a bed for 8 hours, depending on the situation. I highly doubt you want to go through either of those. Please don't seek out another way to harm yourself." The nurse told Levi, then turned around and left.

"That's why you were sharpening that rock.." Eren stated, his voice quiet, as if he was talking to himself.

Levi didn't reply. He closed his eyes and did his best to relax, trying to rid himself of his throbbing headache. Soon enough, it was time for breakfast. Eren and Levi walked to the cafeteria in silence and separated once they got inside. Levi ate all of his cereal, swallowed his medication, and went to group therapy. He was one of the first ones there, and Hanji tried to start a conversation with him, but he ignored her completely.

Finally, everyone was sitting down, and Hanji began the session. "Good morning, everyone! I hope you're feeling good today, and I hope all of your check-ups went well this morning. Today we're going to talk about self harm." Hanji said.

Levi almost snorted.

_Of course she's going to talk about that. Fucking hell.._

She began explaining how self harm is a sort of coping mechanism to deal with someone's emotional pain. She said that there are several reasons why someone might self harm, which were: to regain control when feeling overwhelmed by emotions or thoughts, to feel something physically when numb on the inside, to punish themselves for something, and/or to cry out for help.

Levi could feel Eren looking at him the whole time.

"What are some ways of self harm that you guys know of?" Hanji questioned.

Random people mentioned cutting, burning, bruising, and Levi tuned out the rest of the conversation. He didn't want or need to hear this. He knew what self harming was, very well, actually. Probably a lot better than Hanji did.

At one point, Hanji asked everyone in the little circle what experience they had with self harming. Some people used to do it, some people tried it but never did it again, some people had friends who did it, and some people had no experience at all. Then, she got to Levi.

"What about you, Levi? Do you have any experience with self harm?" She asked him, and he fought back a bark of laughter.

Levi was tempted to yank his sleeves up and shove his ugly scars in her face, snarling, 'Is this enough experience for you?'

But he refrained.

Instead, he just shrugged and gave her a hard glare.

"Dude, can't you at least try to participate in these sessions!? You're not special, you're no better than the rest of us. Can you just give a fucking straight answer for once?" Someone spat. Levi met eyes with the speaker.. It was the kid with the two-toned hair who always sat with the freckled brat.. He was the one with mood swings.

Levi's glare turned lethal, but he didn't say anything back. These psychos weren't worth his time.

Hanji opened her mouth to speak, but Eren beat her to it.

"Leave him alone, horse face." Eren warned, and Levi snorted at the accurate nickname.

"Or what, Eren? You some kind of bodyguard now? Just try and hit me with those skinny arms and see what happens." The kid hissed threateningly. "You couldn't fight back against your dad, just what makes you think you have the balls?"

Eren looked more pissed than Levi had ever seen him.. His eyes were full of fury and he was clenching his fists, teeth gritted, looking ready to rip the other kid apart.

" _Shut the fuck up, Jean!_ You don't know shit about me!" Eren shouted.

"Hey, hey, stop it, both of you!" Hanji ordered, her voice serious. "Stop yelling, and for god's sake, stop cursing. Do you _want_ to get sedated?"

That made them both shut up. The brats looked away from each other, fuming. The tension in the room was thick and heavy. Levi saw Eren's eyes fill with tears and he frustratedly blinked them away.

Then, Hanji turned to Levi, letting out a deep breath.

"Now, then. Levi, it _would_ be great if you could participate in these sessions. You're just procrastinating getting better. It's not doing you any good. This is a _safe space_ ," Hanji stated, looking pointedly at Eren and Jean, "and you can share anything with us. So, please, Levi. Do you have any experience with self harm?"

Levi sighed, giving in.

"Fine. You want an answer? Yes, I have experience. I cut and burn myself. You satisfied?" He gave a straight answer, finally, not giving a shit anymore.

"How long have you been clean for?" Hanji questioned.

Levi chuckled. "A day."

"But... You've been here for a few days." Piped up the tiny blonde girl.. Christa.

"Yes." Levi said shortly, then glanced over at Hanji, whose eyebrows were furrowed. "Chill, you don't have to go search my room. They took away my rock this morning."

"You were cutting yourself with a _rock_? How does that work?" Ymir wondered, eyebrow cocked.

Levi glared at her. He hated getting all of this attention.

"I sharpened it." He told her.

"How long have you been in the habit of hurting yourself, Levi?" Hanji asked him.

He shrugged. "Like three years or so." He said.

"Would you be comfortable with sharing why you began self harming?" Hanji pressed.

Levi was about to refuse, but then he glanced over to Eren. The brat still looked pretty worked up from the argument. If Levi declined, Hanji would move on to Eren and make him talk.. The brat didn't seem ready to speak to anyone yet. He still had tears in his eyes.

So, Levi decided to stall for him.

He exhaled, shrugged, and started talking.

He gave a brief description of his childhood. Levi talked about Kenny and how worthless he made him feel.. He explained how Erwin got him a job and saved him from his uncle, but he still wasn't happy. Levi described how he felt empty 24/7, so he took apart that razor and sliced into his skin for the first time.

He really, really hated sharing his life story, however vague it was.. Especially with everyone watching him like that. Hanji grilled him with a few more questions, thanked him for sharing, and moved on to Eren.

Levi looked over and knew he made the right choice.. Eren seemed normal again, if not a bit irritable.

Levi didn't pay attention to what he said.. It was something about knowing people that self harmed. It didn't matter. Levi tuned out everything else, and finally, the session was over.

He went back to his room and picked up the book he hadn't read, sitting down on his bed to read it. Eren came in too.. He didn't speak, though. He just picked up Levi's other book, sat down on his bed, and read along with him. After a little while, Eren put the book down and started listening to music, repeatedly snapping that hair-tie against his wrist. Levi eventually got through his whole book, which was pretty good, and returned both of the books to the library. He checked out two more and took his time getting back to his room. Levi wandered around the ward, lost in thought.

By the time he got back to his room, there were only a few minutes until lunch. Eren looked like he was asleep... His eyes were closed and his chest was rising and falling in a slow rhythm. His lips were slightly parted, his hair was falling in his face, and he looked so relaxed and peaceful. Eren was beautiful, really.

Levi put his books down and went over to Eren, shaking his shoulder like Eren always did for him. Levi usually would've let the kid sleep and miss lunch.. That was his problem, not Levi's. But Eren was kind enough to wake him whenever he needed it, so Levi repaid the favor.

It was only fair, after all.

"Hey, c'mon, brat, wake up." Levi said quietly, shaking him.

Eren shifted slightly and let out a soft groan, forcing his sleepy eyes open. He pulled his earbuds out and looked up at Levi with half lidded eyes.

"Whassup?" Eren slurred, and Levi snorted.

"It's lunchtime, idiot. Get your ass up already." He replied.

Eren raised an eyebrow but did as he asked, and they went to the cafeteria.

"Hey, Levi..? Can I sit with you today? I- I'll be quiet, I promise.. I just can't sit with Jean right now." Eren asked, looking sheepish.

"Fine." Levi replied. He still believed what he said to Eren the other day, about not wanting the brat bothering him all the time.. But if Eren had to sit with Jean, they'd probably get in another fight. As long as the kid stayed silent, the company was fine.

They got their food and sat down across from each other. The food was hamburgers, fruit, and french fries. It didn't look that awful, thankfully. Levi bit into his burger and looked across from him to see Eren looking queasy and pale.

"You okay, brat?" Levi couldn't help but ask.

"Y-yeah. Fine." Eren said too fast, obviously lying. Levi raised an eyebrow but dropped the subject. Eren kept glancing nervously over Levi's shoulder at someone.. Levi looked and saw that a nurse was watching Eren. After a few seconds, she looked over to someone else. She seemed to be eyeing the same people over and over.

Whenever she looked at Eren, he nibbled at his fruit. He ate about half of the little fruit cup, and nothing else. Levi was hungry, so he ate most of his food, just leaving a few french fries and pieces of fruit behind. Levi didn't say anything to the kid.. His food choices were his business.

Eren was true to his word. He didn't say anything at all to Levi during lunch. They walked back to their room together, and minutes after sitting down, a nurse came in and told him it was time for one on one therapy. She walked with him to Williams's office, then turned around and left. When Williams opened the door for Levi, he smiled and welcomed him inside.

There were already cups of tea on the table.

"I figured you'd want the same tea again, is that okay?" Williams said, and Levi nodded. "It'll be ready in a few minutes."

They sat down across from each other, and Levi prepared himself for the session the best he could.

"So, Levi... I heard that you've been self harming." Williams stated.

Levi sighed. "Everyone seems to be hearing about that today." He muttered under his breath.

"With a rock, was it? That must've taken a lot of willpower and patience to sharpen." Williams commented. "Why were you so determined to hurt yourself?"

Levi shrugged. "I dunno. It helps."

"How does it help you?"

"It..." Levi exhaled. "It helps me through panic attacks. Nightmares. Shit like that. The pain grounds me, I guess."

"Do you feel like you deserve that pain?" Williams inquired. "Do you think you use it to punish yourself?"

Levi glanced away from him. He despised admitting this stuff.

"Yeah." He said. "I do."

Williams talked for a bit about self harm and how to refrain from doing it. Then, he asked Levi if he had someone in the ward he was friends with.

Levi shook his head. "I don't need any friends." He said shortly.

Williams hummed. "I was just wondering, because telling someone you want to self harm can help you a lot. If you reach out to someone whenever you get the urge to hurt yourself, they could talk to you and help you through it." He told Levi.

Eren's face flashed in his mind, and he shook off the thought. No.. Levi wasn't going to confide in the shitty brat. They weren't friends. They weren't even acquaintances, really. And Levi didn't _want_ any help.

His glass shard was the only help necessary.

"Oh, I think the tea is ready now." Williams stated.

Levi nodded and took a sip, feeling calm instantly.

Williams asked Levi several questions about his nightmares and panic attacks while they drank their tea.

Once they finished the tea, Williams stood up to put the cups away. Levi handed the glass cup to him and it slipped out of Williams's hand, falling to the ground and shattering loudly against the floor.

Levi immediately tensed up and inhaled sharply, and he heard Petra's scream, the screeching of the brakes, and the car slamming against the road as it rolled over several times. It really felt like he was in the accident again... He closed his eyes in fear of seeing his dead friends next to him. He was breathing hard, panicked and overwhelmed, and then he heard Williams's voice.

"Levi, breathe. Listen to my voice. You're not there.. You're in my office with me, I just dropped a cup, it's okay." Williams said reassuringly, and his voice sounded so far away. "Open your eyes, Levi, look at me. You're not there. It's not happening."

Levi hesitantly wrenched his eyes open and made eye contact with Williams. He exhaled shakily and relaxed a little, shaking his head. He fought to regain control of his breathing.

"You... Did that... On purpose." Levi growled in between pants, gripping the arms of the chair, giving Williams a look that could kill.

Williams didn't reply. He cleaned up the broken glass while Levi calmed himself down.

"Why the fuck did you do that?" Levi hissed, blood boiling in anger.

"I wanted to see if breaking glass was a trigger for you. I apologize, Levi, I won't do it again." Williams said, throwing the glass away and sitting back down.

"Well congratu-fucking-lations, it's a trigger." Levi grumbled, wanting to strangle the man in front of him.

_What an asshole._

Williams asked him about other things that were triggering for him, and Levi gave short, cold answers, irritated.

"Now, Levi, you remember last time when I asked you how you felt on a scale from one to ten? Did you ever figure out why you said three?" Williams wondered.

"I don't fucking know. I guess I was giving your shitty ass a chance."

"How are you feeling today, on a scale--"

"One."

Levi didn't hesitate to answer. He really, really wanted to die at that moment, and would've done it, given the chance.

"Really? Is it because I triggered you?" Williams asked, seeming concerned.

"It's not all about you, asshole, but that definitely didn't help." Levi replied, wishing Williams would stop smiling sadly at him. He had been doing that the entire session, and it was getting on Levi's nerves.

"I really am sorry, Levi. I won't ever do something like that again. I promise you can trust me." Williams said.

Levi shook his head.

"Whatever. Can I go now? Are we done?" He asked, exasperated.

"Yes, the session's over. I'll see you next time, Levi.. Please try to make some friends." Williams said, and Levi stood up and started walking out while he was speaking.

He turned around, met eyes with the man and glared at him dangerously.

"Eat shit." Levi said, voice strong and full of venom.

He turned around and left before Williams could utter another word.

Levi went to his room and wished for Eren to be gone so he could cut..

But unfortunately, the brat was there, sitting in bed and looking at a photograph with tears in his eyes. Once Levi came in, he immediately put the photograph down and tried to force the tears away.

Levi just huffed angrily and sat down on his bed.

_Fucking brat..!_

If he wasn't there, Levi would've grabbed the glass and killed himself without hesitation. But no. Eren had to be there, getting in his way. If Levi tried to kill himself, Eren would act like the hero and 'save' him like Erwin did.

 _Fuck them both._  
Fuck everyone.  
Fuck it all.

Levi couldn't stay still. He couldn't hurt himself, but he had to do something. After only a few moments of sitting down, Levi huffed again and left, slamming the door behind him for good measure. He spent the next hour or so speed walking around the ward, cursing under his breath. He stepped out into the garden, but the snow outside just reminded him of the accident, making him feel even worse.

_Fuck, I really need a cigarette._

Eventually, he saw people walking towards the art room, and he figured it was time for art therapy. Levi sighed and followed them into the room, sitting alone and gritting his teeth. He still felt pissed and awful, but he couldn't do anything about it.

Eren sat at the same table as him, but a few seats away, not getting too close. Levi was silently grateful for the space. He might've lashed out at Eren without it.

This time, the lady just told them to draw or paint whatever they wanted. Anything they felt like doing. Levi decided to just sketch and doodle whatever came to mind.

He ended up drawing several animals and random people he made up in his head. There was a lion, a cat, a dog, a couple dancing together, a man curled up on the ground, the skeleton of a mermaid, and other random shit. It didn't symbolize anything in his head.. It was just a random array of things all put together on a page. Drawing made Levi feel a bit calmer, but it wasn't good enough.

Once art therapy was over, he went straight to his room with Eren following behind, and shed his jacket. He grabbed his MP3 player and earbuds and turned around.

"Where are you going?" Eren asked curiously, and Levi could see the kid struggling not to look at his revealed scars.

"Exercise room." Levi grunted, and went to leave.

"Can- can I come with you?" Eren questioned nervously.

"I don't give a shit. Do what you want. Just don't talk to me." Levi stated, and headed to the exercise room, not waiting for his roommate.

Once Levi got there, he put his earbuds in, blasted his music, and began stretching. He barely noticed when Eren stood next to him and copied his movements. Levi started doing burpees as a warmup, and Eren followed suit. He was slower than Levi, but he wasn't bad.

Afterwards, Levi did push-ups. He got to around fifty, pushing through even when his muscles were screaming for him to stop. He didn't see how many Eren got, but once he finished, the kid was staring at him in awe. Levi did pull-ups next, completing thirty before giving up, while the brat did around five. Levi was surprised that the kid could even do anything, given how much he ate at lunch.

They did sit-ups, planks, and squats, then Levi got on the treadmill to run. He ran a few miles alongside Eren, almost forgetting the kid was there. Levi walked for several minutes as a cool down, then got off and left.

He pulled his earbuds out and exhaled, feeling a lot better. Exercise really helped Levi to get his strong emotions out.. He would much rather hurt himself, but he'd take what he could get. Eren followed Levi out, breathing very heavily, seeming exhausted. At one point, the brat stumbled over his own feet and almost fell to the floor, but Levi caught him just in time.

"Jesus Christ, brat, overwork yourself much?" Levi muttered, and Eren looked embarrassed.

"S-sorry. Just.. Really dizzy. Give me a few minutes." Eren mumbled, leaning against the wall. His skin looked much paler than usual, and he was shaking, eyes screwed tightly shut. Levi felt genuinely concerned for the kid, but he made himself walk away.

He told Eren he wasn't his friend, and it was true. He didn't need to take care of the brat.

Levi stopped by the cafeteria and grabbed a bottled water and a banana. Levi ate his snack, gulped down the water, and took a shower. He changed his shirt and put on the same jacket from earlier. He got in bed and read both his books, blocking out the world around him completely, not even noticing when Eren returned.

Hours passed, and finally someone knocked on the door to say that dinner time was soon. Levi walked out with Eren close by.

"Do.. Do you mind if I sit with you again? I-I'll try not to be a bother." Eren asked, and Levi hated how nervous and weak he sounded. Eren was much better when he was determined and fierce. Now, he just seemed scared.

Levi stopped while they were walking and looked into Eren's eyes with curiosity.

"Are you afraid of me, Eren?" Levi asked, his voice softer than usual.

"I... I don't know. You seemed really pissed off earlier so I guess I'm just.. Nervous.." Eren mumbled sheepishly, averting his eyes.

"Yeah, well, I was really pissed off earlier. But it wasn't your fault, brat, and I'm not going to take it out on you if I can help it." Levi stated, then chastised himself immediately afterwards.

He didn't need to be talking to the kid. They were only roommates. And Levi had already made his standpoint in their relationship _very_ clear.

Eren stared at him in shock. Levi turned around and started walking.

"And fine, sit with me if you need to, brat."

So, the two of them ate dinner in silence. Levi ate most of his chicken sandwich and the sides, while Eren only ate little bites out of his chicken.

The quiet company was nice.

Once they finished, they went back to their room together. Levi picked up one of the books he got earlier and started reading it, distracting himself from his mind. Eren spoke when he was a few pages in.

"Can I borrow that other book?" He asked, and Levi didn't take his eyes off the page.

"Why do you insist on reading my books, brat? I've told you, there's a whole library." Levi stated, but was met with silence. He sighed. "Fine, whatever."

"Thanks." Eren replied, grabbing the other book off the nightstand, reading along with Levi.

They read for hours, and Levi was almost done with his book when it was time for medication.

Eren and Levi took their meds and returned to their room. They both took showers, got ready for bed, and finished their books. Levi glanced over once he finished his book to see Eren laying on his side underneath the covers, curled up, sleeping peacefully. His hair was still wet, and his hand was loosely holding onto Levi's book.

_Why is he so goddamn cute?_

Levi scowled, pushing the intrusive thought away. He stepped close to Eren and slowly pulled the book out of his grip. He got back into his bed and started reading the other book.

It was around 1 AM once he finished the book, and he knew it was one of those nights where he wasn't going to sleep. Levi always went back and forth from sleeping too much to not sleeping at all. He never really had a middle ground, and it sucked ass.

He sighed and put the book down, not having anything to do. He stood up and paced around the room, mind wandering. He stopped in his tracks once the thought of suicide popped up. Eren was asleep... Unless he woke up, nobody would discover Levi in time. This was his chance. He took a deep breath and stepped over to the nightstand, pulling out his glass shard. He twirled it in his fingers for a few moments, thinking of his friends.

He knew he had to do this.

Levi stood up and started walking to the bathroom, ready to end it all, but then he heard Eren's bed creaking. He turned around quickly, stuffing the glass in his pocket, heart racing. Luckily, the brat was still asleep. Eren was squirming around on the bed, eyes squeezed shut, his face twisted into a grimace. He was probably having a nightmare.. He started making noises.

Eren was letting out pathetic whimpers and whines. Levi walked over, sitting down on his bed, watching Eren with curious and concerned eyes. The kid started thrashing harder, struggling against an invisible attacker.

He started mumbling, and tears spilled down his cheeks.

"No, n-no, don't.. Please, it h-hurts...! S-stop it, dad, plea--" Eren protested desperately, crying out loudly in pain at the end.

Levi couldn't handle it anymore. He rushed over to Eren and shook him awake, wanting to yank him out of whatever hell he was experiencing. Eren's eyes flew open and he held his arms up to his face to protect himself, cowering away from Levi's touch.

He was expecting Levi to hit him. That realization made pain shoot through Levi's chest.

"Hey, Eren, it's just me. It's just Levi, I promise I'm not going to hurt you." Levi murmured softly, reaching up and gently grabbing Eren's arms, pulling them away from his face. Eren reluctantly complied, dropping his arms and relaxing slightly. Tears were still dripping down his face and he looked terrified. The brat closed his eyes and struggled to get himself together.

"It was just a nightmare. You're okay." Levi reassured him, climbing onto the bed and sitting in front of the kid.

Eren covered his mouth with one hand and wrapped his other arm around himself protectively. He hung his head, his body shaking with muffled sobs. Levi watched him helplessly, unsure of how to comfort the kid, but wanting so badly to.

_Why do I even care about the brat? Why the fuck is it hurting me so much to see him like this?_

Levi sighed, shaking his head. Before he could think about what he was doing, he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Eren's thin waist, pulling him into a hug. The brat froze for a few moments, making Levi wonder if he had fucked up. But then Eren relaxed against him, burying his face against Levi's shoulder, arms wrapped around his neck. The kid sobbed openly against Levi, tears staining his shirt. Levi just closed his eyes, murmuring gentle words to Eren, rubbing circles into his back, doing his best to calm the brat down.

Eren was warm against him.. Levi wasn't used to having someone's body against him like that, unless they were fucking. It was a strange experience. Levi really couldn't remember the last time he had hugged someone. He pushed every thought out of his mind, focusing solely on calming Eren down.

After about fifteen minutes, Eren had stopped sobbing, and his breathing was normal again. He pulled away from Levi's embrace, wiping at his face and exhaling shakily. He avoided Levi's gaze.

"I-" Eren began, but his voice cracked. He swallowed and tried again. "I'm really sorry about that. Sorry for waking you up.."

"It's fine, brat. I was already awake." Levi replied, and silence fell between them. "Are you alright? Do you want to talk about it?" Levi blurted, unable to stop himself.

Eren cracked a weak smile, but it was still so beautiful to Levi.

"I'm alright. And no, that's okay."

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

"Ah, yeah, I tend to do that. Sorry.."

"It's fine."

More silence.

"Levi..?"

"Hm?"

"Why are you being nice to me? You told me you were never going to be nice to me. You could've just ignored me.. You could've pretended to be asleep or something. Why did you help me?" Eren questioned, locking eyes with Levi.

Levi sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Well, you helped me after _my_ nightmare, didn't you, brat? It's only fair that I do the same for you." He answered.

Eren smiled again. "Well, thank you. Really, thank you so much."

Levi shook his head. "Don't shit your pants, kid." He responded, standing up. "Go back to sleep."

"Sure thing, boss." Eren said with a grin, laying back down. Levi got into his own bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Eren to fall asleep.

"Goodnight." Eren mumbled quietly into the darkness.

Levi closed his eyes.

"Night, shitty brat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!! If you have any thoughts, suggestions, or anything else, please leave a comment! I appreciate it a lot <3


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